Oh my god, we’re talking about bathroom bans again. I suppose this was inevitable, all things considered, but I thought I would at least get a month or two to catch a vibe before the rampant transphobia began (or rather, escalated). Reader, it seems I can’t catch a fucking break. And neither can the newly elected Delawarean Congresswoman Sarah McBride. In particular, I’m seeing a lot of other people within the trans community accuse her of abandoning us by not fighting back against this blatant virtue signal from Republican lawmakers, especially considering that all members of congress have their own private bathrooms within their offices, and this will not ban trans people from single stall gender neutral bathrooms.
Yes, it’s disappointing. Yes, I wish she had taken a firmer stance against transgender bathroom bans on principle, rather than deflecting and choosing to highlight that this move was, ultimately, a distraction from other issues that were more key to the platform that she got elected on. And, unfortunately, yes, I read that she is a Zionist. All that said, I also understand that she’s the first and only transgender member of US congress. Like, come on. I’m not I support her for any reason, but the woman hasn’t even been sworn in yet, and she’s already on thin ice with The Right™. I get it. Not everybody wants to be a martyr.
In true narcissist fashion, this has me wondering about my own “visibility”. I’ve spent the better part of this year getting Surgically Enhanced, to the point that my body couldn’t even function properly as male if I wanted it to. I’ve also finally finished updating my legal documents, as much as the law will allow, to reflect my gender. Thank God. And now, perhaps, I have a decision to make: should I be stealth?
For those outside the community, stealth girlies are trans women who actively choose to move through the world without publicly acknowledging their transness. These girls are the fishiest, cuntiest, pussy pussy pussiest among us. Now, I’m not claiming that I pass well enough to deny my transness. I’m still thinking about one particular interaction with another trans girl who made fun of me when I self-identified as a doll. Rude!
You see, Reader, the title “Doll” has historically been reserved for trannies who pass, not just adequately, but flawlessly, who walk down a busy street like Moses if he slayed. It should be noted that all stealth girls are dolls, but not all dolls are stealth. And maybe some of those girls would object to my own liberal use of the word to refer to any trans girl. AND YET I BELIEVE THAT ALL TRANS WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL AND THEREFORE WORTHY OF THE DISTGUISHMENT. Call me crazy, but I would love to build a community where we don’t specify which girls are pretty and which girls are, logically, not pretty.
Still, I’m faced with the question. I’m not exactly a model. But if I’m being honest, I’m not trying that hard. If I really wanted to, I could relapse on my eating disorder, pluck the shit out of my eyebrows, and wear full face glam and heels every day and be a tradwife or something. It would, of course, kill me inside, but I’m not ruling anything out as a game plan for the horrors to come. And like idk, even at my worst I’m not like not passing. Perhaps I’m happy enough passing as a girl who’s like pretty-but-not-hot on a regular day. Whatever. It doesn’t hurt to nicely ask the Heritage Foundation if they give free samples to ugly ladies.
Ok I need to chill. I’m like literally sitting here talking about myself like I’m fucking Quasimodo on one month of HRT. What was the point I was even trying to make?
I suppose the point is that I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next four years, and I wonder if being trans in public is going to get me killed some day. Are the pros of assimilation beginning to outweigh the cons? I don’t blame any girl for her choice to be stealth. And I guess, with my digital footprint, it’s probably already too late for me. Ruh roh Ranny!
When I got my first trans daughter, after only about a year into transitioning, I thought I AM WAY TOO FUCKING YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL TO BE ANYONE’S QUEER ELDERRRR. I was not ready to be a mother, even in the metaphorical sense. I was not ready for the responsibility. I mean, for god’s sake, I hadn’t even gotten used to people calling me mommy in a sex way yet. She wasn’t really a close friend to begin with, and I made myself available to her only at my convenience. If I’m being honest, that was sort of my prom night dumpster baby. I talked through her feelings to what I had hoped to God was her satisfaction, then sent her off into a world I was only beginning to make sense of as a woman. I pushed the egg (lol) out of the nest before it even hatched.
Since then, I’ve had the unexpected pleasure of welcoming more daughters into trans womanhood. I’ve held their hands. I’ve told them what to expect from HRT and surgery and HAIR REMOVAL. I’ve assured them that they will eventually get used to wearing dresses, and that most people are nice and willing to accommodate name and pronoun updates, and perhaps most importantly, that most of the things they hate about their bodies are things that cis women also hate about their bodies. Jesus Christ, if there’s anything I wish I could tell every new trans woman, it’s that pretty much every woman hates her shoulders. And this is a part of being trans that I’ve really come to cherish.
I’m thinking about the women who cracked my egg and finally convinced me to choose myself. It wasn’t the stealth girls who did it. It wasn’t the most beautiful mean girls who make fun of you for wanting to be friends with them. It was the loud, liberated, dare I say even a little clocky, girls who wore their transness like a badge of honor, who went out of their way to crack every egg at a party like it was a competition. And as I come back to the question of whether I should prioritize my safety over my community, the choice now seems kind of obvious. I want to be the role model that I was lucky enough to have. I want people to see in me their own magnificent destiny. I want them to see passion and possibility and PULCHRITUDE!!!!!
I hope that we are not fucked as a trans community. That’s looking more and more likely every day. Well, we’re gonna find out. And I guess I’m going down with the ship. For me, that feels right. If you’re trans, I love you and I’m here for you. It is up to us to be there for each other in a world that seeks to destroy us. If you’re not trans, now is the time to double, triple, umptuple(?) down on your allyship. Show up for us. Loudly challenge people who call us predators and groomers. Donate to mutual aid. Protect us physically. We’re going to need it. There is no liberation without trans liberation.
Yours in Love,
Ái Vy
P.S. if it’s within your means, please consider donating to my surgical recovery fund. It turns out that lifesaving gender affirming care is expensive. Boo! Ok love you bye!
I lived stealth for 20+ years. Didn’t come out publicly until I was 40. Still have to out myself constantly. I was at the Doll Invasion and nobody would talk to me until I outted myself as trans. The 90s trans community contributed to me going stealth. I’ll discuss that in my Substack.